i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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