If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
