I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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