i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
