no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
