She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
