I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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