none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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