I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
