My balls are so social today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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