oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
