I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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