I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
third nipple confirmed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
