My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
