Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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