Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
