If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
