My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
