I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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