Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
