I think my fart just growled at me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
