i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize