mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
