The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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