someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you never un-have a 4some
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
