we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Is it because I queefed?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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