i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
