listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
