Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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