He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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