I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I cut my penus on the lid.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
