nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
