took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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