It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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