i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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