I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
God, you're like boner-b-gone
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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