When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
