btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
