You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
