Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I looked at my own cervix.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
