Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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