If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
