i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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