goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
