did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We need to get me chipped asap
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
