I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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