Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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