Dude my mom stole all your condoms
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
