Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
