sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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