What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
