My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
