Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize