True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
