I could make wine with my vomit
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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